We have cause to be uneasy

I hate the feeling I get the day before school reopens, and even though it's only been a short break, it still hurts to go back. This is not the same feeling as the one I get when a new school year is starting. It's the feeling of going back to school to get results. Yes, those dreaded figures and letters that spell either doom or day. My whole day was marred by the continuous thought of getting them back. It was okay initially, since I didn't know what the timtable was. But then I got the new timetable, and what can be worse than starting the new term with an Econs tutorial and an International History tutorial? The papers I dread the most. I dread all the papers, but I know I didn't prepare sufficiently for Econs, and I know I misinterpreted the Cold War question. For the rest, it's either hit or miss. Well, I know I already missed the mark for Top Girls, but at least it's Mr Smith who's giving back the paper, and that alleviates the situation.

Fie upon them. If the term will begin this way I suppose it's just a sign of things to come. Just as well I suppose, beginning with the two subjects I probably need to work hardest on. Fie upon them. I defy them all, just as I defied the barbarian hordes that swarmed before the walls of Constantinople. Haha, I spent my afternoon at Ker Han's house playing Rome: Total War. It was a good way to destress I suppose, running over my pitiless computerised enemies. Brought back some fond memories of hours spent playing on the computer. Where can I find such time or interest now?

I've been hit by a dozen different irritances over the past few days. Sometimes the situation around me gets so intolerable I feel like lashing at the nearest possible object. I think the phrase, "familiarity breeds contempt" has never proved truer than in the past week. Or maybe that's too one-sided an explanation for my tension. I hate it when people ask me what I think are stupid questions. I hate it when people automatically assume I have the answers to their questions. I hate it when people cut into my space, or annoy me by making me do useless things when they can do them themselves. I hate to see the tension before me, and the unreflective nature of certain people. Yes, mental willpower counts for something when you're sick, but try telling a cancer patient to believe that he's well when he's obviously not! How can one assume mental strength is all that's required?

I can see one good thing coming out of this. I've been so annoyed by so many little things, that it's pushed me to a point where I stop to think and try to put myself in someone else's shoes, and try for a moment to be reasonable and let things go. It's funny, how I have to get so angry that I tire of being angry.

I must have sounded terribly self-centred and unreasonable above. I don't know... I'm really fed up sometimes. There's this desire to at once left alone and yet kept in the know, to be distant and in the fray. Or perhaps this is a wakeup call to return to God. I'm sorry to everyone if I've been short or curt in the past few days, or in the days to come. Maybe I'm blowing my frustrations in the wrong place. Yes, I probably am. It is time, after all, to once again get serious.